Struggles

Now that I'm in my "twilight years", I've been experiencing feelings of failure with so many things in my life; I have a lot of years behind me and plenty of time to think!  However, I don't know if I'm comparing today's world with the world of my day.  In today's world, we have technology which provides information and connectivity at the touch of a button.  In my day, meaning the late 60's through the early 80's, we had nothing other than the local library and friends and family who could offer advice on child-rearing or any other struggle being faced.  There were no play dates with other kids in the neighborhood or my circle of friends; my kids played with other kids on the block.  There wasn't a vast array of books and websites from which to glean information on practically anything; we just had Dr. Spock and his book on child rearing.  There were no exercise classes for baby and mommy, nor were there a variety of gyms from which to choose where you could exercise.  Yes, things were vastly different those many years ago.

I mentioned several posts ago that I had spent 10 years in a children's home, from the ages of 8 to 18, and I left with very little knowledge of the real world and how it operated.  I married a young man whom I'd met at a camp in upstate New York less than a year after I graduated from high school; he lived in Illinois, so we settled there, in his world, after we married.  Motherhood came quickly, and the extended family I thought I had was non-existent, other than to play with my kids when we visited.  I had no support or relative on whom to lean, not only during those years, but during my entire life.  I never had anyone to mentor me or to model for me what a wife and/or mother and now grandmother looked like, especially one who called herself a Christian.  I feel like I flew by the seat of my pants most of the time.

Needless to say, I've struggled with relationships and marriage all my life.  It's not been easy, not only for me but also for my three sisters.  All of us have been divorced.

Even attending church is vastly different now.  I began attending an Assemblies of God Church back in the late 80's and have been attending Pentecostal churches ever since.  The teaching I've received in these churches over the years has been a far cry from what I received as a child and young adult and mother in the Baptist and Methodist churches I attended.  My walk with the Lord is so much deeper and different now, and I often wonder what my life could have been if I'd attended such churches when young and had had the knowledge of God and living for Him that I have now.  I often wonder these things when I'm trying to fall asleep at night.

Despite my failures as a mom, my kids have solid marriages and happy families, for which I'm eternally grateful to God because He covered my failures and shortcomings with His glorious grace!  If not for God, the thoughts of suicide which invaded my mind many times during my 20's may have won out in action.  I've been to counseling several times throughout my life, and one of my counselors told me that "for all you've been through, you should be a drug addict or an alcoholic."  I thank God that He held me in the palm of His hand during all those years of failure and sin, never letting me go until I came back into His presence and let Him take control of my life.  But, being the sinful person I am, I still struggle with being all that God has called me to be, yet He hasn't given up on me and never will.

I've tried to be transparent in this post and hope it touches someone, giving hope and faith that God will never leave you nor forsake you either.  I've experienced His faithfulness firsthand, and you can, too.